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Popular Biography.
THE PANCREATIC KING.
BY W. H. MACY.
We present our readers with a Biographical Sketch of one of the representative, or as Fornay has it, "exponential" men of this great and happy country. In so doing, we claim to be actuated by motives of the purest philanthropy, and a desire to benefit, not only our contemporaries, but millions yet unborn. We have the evidence, in black and white, for saying,that no professional man is so widely known as the subject of our article; for he has not only medically treated millions of the afflicted of every State in the American Union, but also tens of millions from all the British Colonies, Mexico, the East and West Indies, China, Ethiopia, Caffraria and Senegambia, as well as every part of Europe. He is in constant communication with patients at the westernmost extremity of the Aleutian Chain, those bright stars recently added to the galaxy of our Great Republic, and is the terror and admiration of all "medicine-men" among the Diggers and Flatfeet. The most remote islets of Polynesia acknowledge his skill and power; and he has in his possession countless testimonials from the Esquimaux of Point Barrow, engraved indelibly on walrus teeth. His professional creed is democratic in the broadest and most comprehensive sense of the term, knowing no distinction of age, sex, race, color or previous condition of servitude.
Professor O'Wellington wound have been an exponential man anywhere, whether he might have devoted himself to the sciences in general, to mercantile, manufacturing, professional, military or political life; whether he had cobbled soles instead of bodies, sawed cord-wood by the hour, or turned the crank of a printing-press in a country newspaper office. The marked facial expression and cerebral developments of the professor once seen, must be recognized by all as denoting the superlative degree of intellect, energy and executive power.
"Blood will tell," cannot be less true of man than of the race-horse, the rat-terrier, the Shanghai rooster, or any other domestic animal whose pedigree we are so careful to investigate and record. A chicken would still be a chicken, even were it hatched in a dog-kennel or a rattlesnake's nest; so Topsy would have been a saucy little Fifteenth Amendment had she first seen the light on the summit of Mount Hecla, No circumstances of climate or education could have made Nicholas Bottom the tailor anybody else but Nick Bottom; and Louis Napoleon even when a humble exile, was ever, even as when Emperor, the nephew of his uncle (and the grandson of his aunt), by virtue of his own inherent powers and gifts.
These great facts being admitted, as they must necessarily carry conviction to every candid mind, we proceed to lay before an appreciative public the facts in the early career of our hero, Professor X. Epaminondas Wellington, M. D.
The genealogy of X. Epaminondas can be distinctly traced, in common with that of his less famous namesake, the Iron Duke, to Sir Brian Ballymahone O'Wellington, who "came over" with William the Victor; and whose lineal descendants went back with James the Victim. But while the immediate ancestors of Arthur again settled in the Green Isle, the great-grandmother of X. Epaminondas crossed the Atlantic, and, with an energy worthy of her illustrious descendant, hewed her way westward through primeval forests to the confines of barbarism. The venerable lady was still alive when X. E. was born, and prophesied that the new-comer would be sure to make his mark. As there were, at that time, no schools in that section of the country, it has been maliciously suggested that she only meant to say that he would never be able to sign his name. And there are not wanting those who insinuate that she was not far from right, and that the X is the only part of his signature that is legible. But it is well known that obscure chirography is the most triumphant evidence of genius; showing that, with great minds, the pen lags far behind the flow of thought.
From the same energetic dame have sprung many noted representatives of the O'Wellington family, several of whom are physicians of marked ability; but it was reserved for X. Epaminondas to blend all in one. His greatest pride, in connection with his ancestry is, that he owes nothing to it unless it be that early poverty which compelled him, while yet a mere boy, to depend upon his own wits for a living, and thus ' laid the foundation of the broadest humanitarian enterprise of the Western Continent, or indeed, of the Mundane Sphere.
His immediate progenitors and their relatives were men and women of marked physique; yet notwithstanding this fact, added to their medical proclivities, they all died of consumption at a comparatively early age. It is but fair to presume, that, had they been people of ordinary build and appearance, and less gifted as to knowledge of anatomy and hygiene, they would have died in infancy -- if, indeed, they had succeeded in being born at all.
It is superfluous to say that X. Epaminondus was the finest baby that the world had seen up to that date inasmuch as every baby ie known to be, till the next one is born, which immediately throws all its predecessors into the shade. As everything associated with his early life must be of blood-curdling interest to our readers, we have been at considerable pains to obtain the desired information.
We have learned from the most impartial testimony (the affidavits of his parents, given before consumption claimed them for its own), that X. Epaminondas was a "remarkably quiet child." That he began to "take notice" at a very early period of his existence. And we are warranted in saying that he has kept on taking it, ever since. That, at two months old, he was heavy enough to be weighed with the family steelyards, without putting flatirons in the basket with him, and solving a problem in subtraction afterwards. At the same age, his judgment and his anatomical knowledge were so remarkable, that he could put his thumb into his mouth without once punching it into his eyes.
As he waxed stronger and developed his individuality, his discoveries in the natural sciences were the admiration and wonder of his parents. He did not burn his fingers more than three times before he became convinced that the flame of the lamp, though very pretty to stare at from a suitable distance, was not a desirable plaything to be closely handled. He could manage his own equilibrium at twelve months, notwithstanding the massive character of his brain, which, as might be supposed, operated against him in this respect. A little later, he made a discovery of which we have known many juveniles of twice his age to be ignorant; that shutting his own eyes would not render him invisible to the eyes of others. Nothing could exceed his satisfaction when a younger brother was sent as a living subject for him to experiment upon; for anatomy and medicine were his chosen and pet studies. His natural taste and talent developed itself at a very tender age, and while yet a mere child, he was sought out and consulted when the neighbors were sick. To "play doctor" was the chief amusement of his infancy and his boyhood. But hard study and ambitious yearnings ungratified wore upon hie health. Mind and body became alike prostrated, and consumption, that insidious destroyer, which had proved so fatal to his family, seized upon him; and, soon after the loss of his parente, he himself showed symptoms of rapid decline.
He was confined to his bed for more than twelve months, during which time, various physicians were consulted, without the slightest benefit. He was given up to die – the consumptive's death.
It was now that X. Epaminondas came out in his true colors, demonstrating the latent energy within him. Instead of submitting to his fate with Christian resignation, he formed a resolution which secured him immortality. He determined to live at any rate.
In pursuance of this determination, he threw physic to the dogs, and sallied forth into the adjacent fields and forests, where his discerning sagacity led him directly to the remedies adapted to his case. We say his discerning sagacity, for such discoveries as his cannot be attributed to mere accident, nor, would it become us to say they were the result of inspiration. But however that may be, health again bloomed in his pallid cheeks, and strength returned to his attenuated frame. He obeyed the injunction, "Physician, heal thyself," and vowed anew to devote himself to the sublime task of healing afflicted humanity throughout the world. Saved himself, he consecrated his life to the service of saving hie fellow-mortals.
At the age of twenty, he had read much medicine, and had taken much into his brain as well as into his stomach. He entered the office of a physician, who made a specialty of chronic affections of the liver, lungs and blood. But he did little more than enter it at one door and pass out at another. His genius was of too original a character to be trammelled by any old formulae. He had by this time made some progress in developing an idea of bis own, the germ of which had long before been sown, and which lies at the foundation of his unparalleled success, that the liver, lungs and blood were only gigantic humbugs, and that the seat of all diseases, indeed, the inducing cause of all physical demoralization of the human system was the Pancreas.
This, then, is the fundamental maxim of the O'Wellingtonian system of medicine, that the Pancreas is to be attacked at the outset by remedies which will act specifically upon the mischievous organ. This being accomplished, such minor matters as lungs and liver will take care of themselves. The object of medical treatment should be to reduce the size and check the development of the Pancreas; and nothing is easier than to effect this reduction by the free use of X. Epaminondas Wellington's Pancreatic Resolvent.
In desperate cases, it may be necessary, by a persistent course of this unrivalled sanative, to annihilate the Pancreas altogether. As the creation of such an organ at all was evidently a deplorable mistake in the economy of Nature, the sooner it is got rid of entirely, the better far the patient. The gradual progress of its destruction may be noted by means known to the professor, and which he makes use of in such cases as come under his immediate personal observation: but sufficient information for the guidance of distant patients can be sent in a sealed envelop.
For the last thirty years, since Prof. O'Wellington developed his theory, and reduced the cure of disease to a perfect system, so that it is absolutely infallible, he has done an immense business; and it is new an admitted fact, that he has made more medical examinations, and prescribed for more sick people than all the other physicians in the known world together. He has abundant evidence to demonstrate this. His vast business is daily conducted with clockwork regularity, and every department of it is under his direct and personal supervision. No letters or correspondence are, under any circumstances, opened except by himself.
He has devoted much time and an immense amount of money to the perfection of this great remedy – the Pancreatic Resolvent. He examines so many millions of cases annually, that he is enabled to decide, with infallible certainty, upon the nature of the disease, the manner of administering the Resolvent, and the quantity required; and can thus graduate the dose to the fraction of a grain.
It must be obvious to the dullest understanding, that, by treating such a vast number of patients at the same time, he has the best possible opportunity to test the efficacy and value of relative quantities and modes of administering the Pancreatic, and is far better able to do them justice than if he were limited by a small number. And herein is one of the secrets of his wonderful success. But this is not all. It must already have been perceived that his views of the nature and treatment of disease are peculiarly his own. His distinctive and peculiar discovery is, that the Pancreas is the head and front of all offending; and it is the thorough understanding of nature's blunder in giving us anything of the kind, and the invention and adoption of its great destroyer, the Resolvent, which have created for him a medical world of his own.
The Resolvent is a medicine of slow and gradual operation, and sometimes the first two or three hundred bottles are taken without producing any marked change in the patient. But let him by no means be discouraged. Perseverance never fails to accomplish the result desired. Where disease is chronic, and the Pancreas unnaturally large and stubborn, considerable time is requisite to prepare it for the process of gradual solution; and it is no uncommon occurrence for a patient to consume fifteen or seventeen hundred, and in one case, two thousand, bottles. But there is no difficulty in swallowing, this quantity, provided the patient lives long enough; the great danger consists in slacking up, or omitting to use the medicine, after having once commenced the course. The sufferer should never be without it conveniently at hand.
As the professor prepares the Resolvent entirely with his own hands and has no local agents, it is of vital importance that those living at a distance should be insured a constant supply. For the convenience of such, it is put up, not only in bottles, but in ten-gallon kegs, convenient for transportation. In this comprehensive solicitude for the benefit of sufferers in distant regions of the globe, with which communication is precarious, such as Behring's Straits, and the islets of Micronesia, he has made arrangements for shipping the Resolvent in large pipes. By simply insuring an unbroken supply of medicine, distant parties can be cured as well, and even better, than if directly under the professor's eye. This statement may seem, at first thought, paradoxical; but it must be remembered that he understands their disease better because they communicate with him without any of that embarrassment and confusion which the physician is too often compelled to observe in the cases of those whom he is examining by personal inspection and oral catechism. In a letter, the patient is entirely confidential and true to nature in describing the symptoms. The professor, as already observed, has treated millions of the sick by correspondence; and it is a world-admitted fact that his correspondence is a treat to all who are favored with it.
All great discoveries, in every age of the world, have been made by enthusiasts and specialists, and in the present age it is well understood that the more business a man has to do, the more he is able to add to it, and the better he can do it. Hence we deduce the following truths:
1st. That no one can excel who does not devote his whole study to one idea, and his whole energies to some one definite, determined object.
2d. That no physician can be successful unless his patiente are numbered by millions.
That these two statements are perfectly consistent and compatible with each other, will be seen at a glance.
We have not space within the limits of this article to detail the wonderful cures performed by the Pancreatic Resolvent. Testimonials by the ream are to be seen at the office of the great physician, by all such as may choose to call. A few, but not a thousandth part of those received, are published in his pamphlet for gratuitous circulation among the afflicted. The number of these distributed far exceeds the united circulation of all the newspapers on the globe.
We cannot more fittingly close this sketch than with the following lines by one of the most distinguished bards of the day, who writes under the accumulated inspiration of thirteen hundred and fifty bottles of the Resolvent:
"O X. Epaminondas! Pancreatic King!
Great namesake of the Iron Duke! let me thy praises sing!
All hail the Great Resolvent! unparalleled Health-Giver!
Which acts upon the Pancreas, instead of lungs and liver;
Onward in thy heavenly mission! Onward, as thou hast begun!
While regenerated millions bless thee, Great O'Wellington!"
Be not misled by similarity of names, as Q. Aristarchus Washington, K. Artaxerxes Marlborough, etc., etc. All such are pretenders or impostors.
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